“If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.” – Nelson Mandela
The other day I was talking to a friend and we shared our experiences and thoughts about some relationships we both had with people of a different native language. She said that, in the end, she felt like that was a big issue. It was like her English-speaking boyfriend could never really get to know her in-depth because he didn’t know her language. Language is not simply a communication code, but something that shapes your way of thinking, your Weltanschauung, and maybe also your personality.
So, after this conversation, I kept thinking about this: is a multilingual romantic relationship really possible?
Having moved abroad when I was only 19 and having spent outside of my country most of my adult life, the majority of my relationships have been in a language different from my own. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve never had more than a couple of dates with another Italian. Is it just a coincidence? Is it the main reason why some of these relationships didn’t work?
As a person, I’ve always had a strong fascination for the exotic, for what was different and distant from me and it’s probably for the same reason that I’ve learned so many languages and traveled so much. But I’ve never thought that a person is just interesting because they’re a foreigner to me, there’s so much else behind it! Actually, in my life, I’ve found many times that the people I’ve felt the closest to could come from every possible context and country: in the end, the human experience is so similar for all of us, even with its differences. At heart, life is life for everybody.
With this, I’m not saying that language is just something of secondary importance -for sure it can create many communication problems and a sense of frustration for both people- but it was never something that alone made me feel closer to a person.
I’ve been so used to speaking other languages with others that I really infrequently miss speaking in Italian because I don’t necessarily feel more myself when I speak it. Nevertheless, I definitely do miss writing in Italian sometimes because, in that case, I definitely feel more spontaneous and skilled.
When I speak Italian to someone, of course, communication is just easier, not deeper, not more intimate, just easier, because I always have the words to express what I want. I don’t really have to think and look for the right word or expression (even if actually sometimes I do since my life is pretty multilingual in general and I often mix everything up). I also feel funnier in Italian and funny in a smart way, not just because I mispronounce something or do my specialty: sexual double entendres; like when I asked for a Gummi (condom) in German, meaning a chewing gum or when I said handjob instead of manual labor while speaking English.
So yeah, speaking your language sometimes is just easier, especially during an argument, when you need to say the right thing and say it sharply. Another important factor I noticed, is that with people who share my native language, we usually have the same cultural references, for instance, the TV shows we grew up with.
But is it enough to build a genuine connection? Connection for me is a lot about nonverbal communication as well. It’s in the way we see affection and sexuality, the types of attention you have for the other person, the comfort you feel with each other. Maybe more than language itself, the general culture can play a bigger role in it, for example, how Western and Eastern societies view certain things and can create bigger discrepancies, but within similar worldviews, I honestly don’t see unbridgeable distances.
On the other side, and probably because I’ve spent so many years away, I often feel a distance from many Italian people who have never left the country, even if we share the same language, and not because I feel superior and more special, but simply because I have the feeling they don’t know what it means to be a foreigner and I probably don’t know anymore what it means to feel like I belong somewhere. That can happen with every nationality of course and for this reason, I often connected with people who also considered themselves as international citizens.
Another important aspect I noticed was the difference I observed between monolingual people and multilingual people regardless of their specific languages. In my romantic relationships with English speakers who couldn’t speak any other language, I definitely felt that language for them was a problem. They had been used to speaking only English all their lives and probably only considered an easy communication like a real communication; they couldn’t empathize with my struggles, because they never felt on their skin the frustration of not understanding or being misunderstood when all you want is just to be heard.
Every time I didn’t understand something they assumed it was because I’m not a native speaker and not – as sometimes happens – just because I was distracted. With my last American boyfriend, even if I felt really close and comfortable with him, sometimes I was so scared to look stupid or not good enough at English when I asked him to repeat something. Actually being with him made me realize how much I got used to ignoring something I don’t immediately understand out of fear of looking stupid.
With people who speak different languages, like Spanish, French or German, and who especially can speak a second language, I never really felt that our language differences were a problem, even if they could create some misunderstandings. This was even better when none of us was speaking our native language in the relationship, but we used a common one (English for instance), because that felt like a neutral ground and we both were very indulgent with our (many) mistakes.
So, after analyzing many different aspects, I think that a language difference could definitely be a communication barrier. But, at the same time, it could also be an incredible resource if both people are willing to make an effort and learn the other person’s native language. This can teach you not only another way of thinking but also a completely new way to see the world. A last, richer, scenario I experienced is when you both speak each other’s language at a good level. In this case, communication can reach even a higher level since you have twice the amount of words you would have just in your language and, most of the time, you understand and interpret each other’s mistakes.
To conclude, I think yes, a multilingual relationship is possible, especially in our globalized world. It can create communication problems, but which relationship doesn’t have that sometimes?
